I haven’t been active for quite some time. I thought some time off would help me clear my head.
But as each day passes, only one thing seems to be clear. I’m getting worse each and every single day.
What comes naturally to me is being sad. It seems to be my automatic setting. I need to force myself to be happy.
I can literally feel my heart weeping every second, and there is nothing I can do about it.
And to make matters worse, I’m facing some sort of insomnia. My emotions and reactions are extremely volatile.
Where does one find the stability? Where does one find the balance they need?
It hurts so bad, I can’t take it any longer. Time is supposed to heal. But for me, time is adding to the pain.
I don’t like it though. I don’t like feeling like a train wreck or a plane crash. Will I ever get better?
Hope seems like a joke. Happiness seems like a joke. Future feels like a joke. I feel like a joke.
The responsibilities. The pain. The past. The insults. The failures. The hurt. The anger. The loneliness.
Slowly, but surely I’m fading. And there is nothing or nobody that could possibly stop or help me.
I’ve stopped caring. I’ve stopped hoping. I’ve stopped smiling. I’ve stopped trying.
The end, I wait.
They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And I am strong. Very much so in fact. But for a couple of years, and especially of late, I ask myself why!
Why am I strong? Or actually, what’s the point in me being strong? For who am I being strong? Or for what purpose? Or for how long?
Who am I? I don’t know. Not anymore. I smile, but cry inside. I laugh, but scream inside. I seem all fine, but fall apart inside.
I’ve fallen. I’m a nobody with nothing to lose. I expect nothing to happen in my life. Dead. Lifeless. Misery.
I’m a realist, not a pessimist. And that’s why I’m confident about my meaningless life.
I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.
What’s stopping me? What’s happening to me? Why do I punish myself? Why do I prefer being miserable?
I can’t smile anymore. I won’t smile anymore.
There is nothing awaiting in my future, except endless pain. Just make me disappear and life could go on.
What do you do when nobody sees the hurt in your eyes? When you realise nobody there cares about you? When you feel empty inside? When you feel broken?
Tears fall on the ground. Words unspoken disappear with the wind. Thoughts are buried deep inside.
Loneliness. Sadness. Heartbroken.
Nothing in life is real or precious or worth anything, is it?! Everything is meant to crash and burn, and eventually end with heartbreak that is not worth all the pain! That is all life has to offer. Atleast in my case, for certain.
It’s not about being by myself that I have a problem with. I’m content being by myself.
But at times you need someone to talk to or share things with. To be able to spend time with someone in silence.
Having nobody to do anything with; absolutely nobody is depressing.
I really wish death would grow near, sooner!
As I stand here on the balcony, drinking a glass of cold water, it dawns on me that it’s a sad, terrible life we live in each day. We wake up, do our chores, try to find or follow our passion, try to keep ourselves happy and solve our numerous problems.
Life has just boiled down to just that. Bleak and boring.
There truly is no magic. Nothing that honestly seems to be more than attention-seeking drama. I try to go out there. To the real world. To try and live a different day. But it’s a cold world out there. It’s a cynical and monotonous life. There is nothing to life; simple and plain truth. Continue reading
We’re all human beings. We all have feelings. We all react to different situations in different ways.
But do we react or feel or do things coz we genuinely feel them or coz we are supposed to feel that way?
Most of the times I think it’s coz we feel obligated or we know that’s the expected reaction for the current situation.
We’re all different beings. We differ in our looks, choices, characteristics, likes and point of views. But we do have certain things in common with certain people. The problem is that I can’t figure them out in myself.